By Karen K. Lemke
I have spent my entire life (to this point) believing I had to earn love… and the way to earn love was to always be entirely (perfectly) perfect. So, especially when I faltered or took a misstep or, God forbid, made an outright mistake, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to correct it (QUICKLY) and cover it up (COMPLETELY), so I wouldn’t be “found out.” I was busy. Like a cat in a litter box. Trying to hide what I didn’t want others to see, for fear they would withdraw their love. I thought, if no one ever saw my imperfections, then maybe I could still possibly earn the love that I craved so deeply, so desperately.
But then came feedback forms and speaker evaluations and performance reviews and coaching sessions, which were all glorified versions of delivering the singular message: You suck! Not really. At least they weren’t supposed to be perceived that way. But I did see them, and feel them, that way. And as a result, the idea of receiving any possibly negative feedback drove me to brutal states of fear and dread and anxiety that had long-lasting effects on my health, my sense of self and my overall well-being.
Do you recognize yourself, here? If so, you are not alone! In fact, you are among legions of professionals, performers, entertainers, speakers, leaders, students, employees and people who suffer from the same human condition: Fear of not being good enough, coupled with the knowledge that others see our unworthiness, too. It’s bad enough when we have to live with it ourselves, fighting the daily private battle. But listening to someone else publicly proclaim it seems just unbearable. And to make matters worse, we are told to seek this feedback; to check how others perceive us and to welcome their typically well-intentioned but unskilled delivery of torturous messages… and then be sure to say, “thank you.”
We are expected to invite this unwelcome visitor into our heads and hearts, let its insidious message take root in our state of being, and then maintain a professional, polite demeanor while it eats away at any sense of self that remained. It’s like putting on armor and donning a smiley face while each “helpful” comment shreds the last few remaining threads of any worthiness and confidence we had left.
What is wrong with this picture? The crazy perpetual practice of taking a hammer and chisel to a person’s soul, and then expecting them to be bigger, brighter and better at the end of the process. Crazy, indeed!
And I am keenly aware that the most detrimental part of the process is not what is said by others in the moment, but what we say to ourselves, and ruminate upon for days of self-torture afterwards. What I say to me is far worse than what others say to me. I know I need to own my role, the biggest role, in this endless battle. I know that I play both the role of the tortured and the torturer. And I play them both, er, perfectly.
I have struggled with this issue my entire life. And finally, today, well beyond middle-age, I choose a different path. I choose to surrender the beliefs, the thoughts and the behaviors that perpetuate this constant tearing down. I choose to stop laboring to build myself back up, only for the next anonymous hater (or worse, the next boss- or peer- or friend-hater) to take their pot shots at me, and then go out dancing while I scurry around the floor on my hands and knees, trying to gather up the pieces of my soul that were shattered and scattered in the fiery exchange of feedback, ostensibly “for my own good.” Enough!
Today, I accept it is simply our shared human condition that we carry insecurities and doubts shackled to our hearts. Today, I will work to acknowledge and even befriend my own areas of imperfection and unworthiness. And I choose to nurture myself in the ways I have longed for (yet seldom received), especially from myself. Today, I vow to turn my focus to a clear vision of how wonderful things will be… how I wish to “be” and “be seen” in my ideal state… how I can allow myself to feel worthy within my inadequacies… how I am already perfectly worthy and noting a few more ways to improve.
I do believe it is helpful to know how I “show up” for others. After all, their perception of me is their reality. And I do agree that knowing those perceptions will help me to see what I want to change… how I want to grow. But the endeavor will be to focus upon building up the characteristics that propel me closer to the vision of my higher self. I’m no longer chiseling away at the perceived imperfections that scar someone else’s view of how I “should” be. Not anymore.
Today I’m taking back my power! I hereby stop surrendering my vision of myself to anyone else. I’m seeking feedback from the people who willingly invest themselves in my growth, and in building my potential. I’m focusing on what’s right and good about me… and then making it better, more effective, stronger and more profoundly inspired. Now that’s liberating! That’s exciting! Let the journey begin!
© Copyright 2020 Lemke Leadership, Inc.
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