Forgiveness is a process.  It’s not the one-and-done “I forgive and I forget” event.  I wish it were that easy!  Instead, it’s the repetitive “I forgive and I forgive and I forgive,” over and over again, as each new opportunity arises to heal, to learn and to grow.

And it’s that time, again.  Things are coming up as haunting memories presenting unanswered conundrums:  How could someone do that?  How could someone say that?  Why didn’t I learn faster?  Why didn’t I choose a better response?  Why can’t I just get over it?

And when that pain creeps into my head and heart, I know it’s time to begin the process of forgiveness once again.  I have already forgiven so many times…  And now I need to (choose to) forgive again. 

In recent months, I’ve developed four steps that facilitate my forgiveness.  I use the acronym HEAL, which makes it easier to remember the steps.  I repeat the process every time painful thoughts and feelings arise, and it really does bring me a sense of control, of grounding, of healing.  And that brings me peace and optimism.  I hope it provides the same ease and healing for you.

H = Honor the experience(s) and those involved.  Honor the terrific, the traumatic and everything in between… and honor the belief that you CAN heal from them.  Each experience can bring learning, clarity and opportunity to build a life of true joy (even if it takes a lot of work along the way).  These things have happened.  And know that they do not have to define you.  Instead, they can shape you in the direction(s) YOU choose.  If you were to perceive the experiences as clay in your hands, what would you create with that clay?  Let your vision of new, beautiful perspectives, feelings and future outcomes strengthen your struggling heart.

E = Eliminate blame and shame.  No one needs to be shackled by these harsh, insidious destroyers.  Release the blame and shame from yourself, and ultimately from what you’ve imposed upon others, too.  How else could you feel?  What else could be true?  Find liberation each day by repeating the mantra frequently:  I love me and I forgive you.  Let this mantra soften your tormented heart.

A = Affirm the light and love that reside inside you, as eternal gifts from the Divine within.  The light and love are ever present, ever encouraging, ever renewing, ever healing.  Recognize them; feel them; honor them; and nurture their life-giving energies. Picture them flowing through your entire body, and then expanding outside of you, too.  Picture the golden, shimmering energy surrounding you, filling you, and emitting from you.  Let that light and love soothe your healing heart.

L = Live.  Right here, right now, moment by moment by moment.  Be present.  Be peaceful.  Be easy on yourself and on others.  Look for the grace and the beauty and the opportunity to enjoy THIS moment.  Stay focused on the power of this present, joyful NOW.  Pay attention, pause and soak it in with gratitude.  Let it breathe life and inspiration into your hopeful heart.

This holiday season, I’m using the HEAL process to remind me how I can think, and what I can do, to forgive once again.  It would be a gift to share that forgiveness and healing with others.  And more importantly, it’s the best gift we can each give to ourselves.

© Copyright 2024, Lemke Leadership, Inc.

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Then remember that you are BRIGHT and BRILLIANT! Keep Showing How You SHINE!

Karen

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            We get loved by honoring ourselves.

We never get happier by pleasing others.

            We get happier by reaching for joy and saying YES to our desires.

We never get true worth by acquiring possessions, position or power.

            We find true worth by looking WITHIN for our inherent value.

We never get braver by staying quiet and small.

            We get braver by stepping past self-doubt, in pursuit of our dreams.

We never get better by diminishing ourselves.

            We get better by honoring our own magnificence and distinguishing ourselves.

We never get brighter by hiding our shine.

            We get brighter by showing how we SHINE.

TODAY, SET YOURSELF FREE TO SHINE LIKE THE STAR YOU ARE!

© Copyright 2024 Lemke Leadership, Inc.

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On Getting Off the Seesaw of Perfectionism to Find Joy with Karen Lemke – The Type A+ Podcast | Podcast on Spotify

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I am deeply in love with my husband, who has been suffering from a few physical ailments for a period of time, now. He is more “westernized” in his preferences for medicine and healing than I am. (He says I believe in all that woo woo stuff. Only he uses a different word for “stuff.”) Anyway, as I have been watching him struggle in pain every day, I have confused the way I love him with feeling a sense of responsibility for him.  So I have been pressuring him:  Why don’t you try this? How about if we call this person and ask for that? Why do you insist on doing it only the western way? What have you got to lose by trying something different, even if it feels a little bit like woo woo? Why don’t you read this article?  How about if we attend this webinar? Did you see that commercial on TV? What do you think about that drug? Did you hear about that alternative approach? Maybe we should eat more of this and less of that? What should we do first? And right after that?

My deeply rooted desire to help probably feels like relentless nagging to him. I have gotten frustrated with his lack of interest in the options that I believed could help him. I have wanted to take responsibility (actually, ownership) for his experience and his healing. And frankly, he is too stubborn to give up his ownership of his experience, his health, his body. Good for him!

I am just now realizing (or maybe re-learning) that responsibility means “I have the ability to choose my response” to his experience. That makes responsibility completely different from ownership. I cannot take ownership of his experience, his decisions, his pain, his life. All I can do is very lovingly, very tenderly, very intentionally enter into a shared experience with him where I carefully choose my responses. That means my responses aren’t about what I WANT. (And frankly, what I have wanted is more like ownership.)  Instead, what I HAVE is completely different. It is not ownership. It is simply (and ONLY) my choice, moment by moment, day by day, to decide how I will respond to him and his experience.

I cannot want a healing method for him more than he wants it for himself. I cannot want a life experience for him more than he wants it for himself. And really, I am in no position to decide what is right for him. That would be ownership. And that is not the nature of the loving relationship we have chosen for ourselves and each other. Instead, if I live into the vows I made the day I married him, I will honor him and trust him and value him. I will step aside from my own desires, no matter how deeply rooted in love they may be. And I will show up for him the way he needs me to show up for him. That means I relinquish ownership of his experience. And I choose instead to RESPOND in love, only.  I get out of the way.  I allow him to lead his own experience.  I stop suggesting which path to take, how to take it, when to take it, why he should take it.  And I let him lead his way on his journey.  I trust his belief, knowledge and intuition about his experience.  I close my mouth and open my heart.  I take his hand, and acknowledge that he has ownership of this.  And then I choose my response to that truth.  In this case, it means I love him enough to let go of everything else.

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This is one of my all-time favorite quotes.  It has helped me to forgive myself for being imperfect in the past, and it has inspired me to live into my future-based “best.”  It has also helped me to turn away from perfectionism and toward self-mastery.  Perfectionism is unattainable.  Self-mastery, well, it’s a journey.  And in my definition of self-mastery, there is room to mess up, learn, and try again.

Recently, I cried my heart out to my coach, begging her to help me understand why I felt so down on myself (AGAIN)!  She listened patiently and then said, “You’re beating yourself up because you know better, and you don’t think you are doing better.”  BINGO!  As I have pondered that brilliant, loving guidance from my coach, I have decided to add one more personal sentence to the end of Maya Angelou’s insightful quote:

“And grant yourself grace for the times when you know better and still find it difficult to do better.”

As a recovering perfectionist, I’m learning that we might KNOW what to do, but don’t always DO it, perfectly.  It’s okay.  Grace makes it possible to keep trying.  And that is TRUE self-mastery.

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